Jan 14 2005 | 1:55 pm



www.sandrabernhard.com


Jun 20 2004 | 7:11 pm





Fin.


Jun 7 2004 | 7:43 pm
so um yea...I had to come back if just to say this...

last night Shannon & I saw Madonna in San Jose. We figured we'd go down to the arena and pick up someone's left over tickets. Ya know, get a good jew deal. Neither one of us seemed to be over enthusiastic on going. I wasn't too keen on the idea cuz I've already spent enough on the big Re-Invention moment and ya know money in general. But she talked me into going. *isn't that funny? "she talked me into going" cuz getting me to go to a Madonna concert must be like pulling teeth*

anyhow...fast forward.

The tickets were free.

We were in the left pitt.

Which, by the way, is on the stage.


May 17 2004 | 1:59 pm
So the UPS guy just came. I suppose I should give some background. UPS comes here often. At first it was odd cuz my door bell is a fuck over moment. You literally need to be sitting on the fucking thing to hear it. This was a problem for several months cuz I'd be waiting for UPS and I'd end up with one of those yellow slips of doom.

There was always tension when the UPS guy showed cuz he'd be all *stares* ...which I assumed was because I'd always call and bitch that he'd sneak up to my door and whisper paaaaaaaaaackaaaaaaage and run away. Then after we came to an agreement of how to get me to actually hear he's here...we became more chatty...way more chatty. To the point I'd close the door and be all "what just happened?"

SO! yea he was just here. And he's all "HEY! This is for you (as if he were giving me a present) and I also have this thing for your neighbor if you could take it I'd really appreciate it."

"Yea, sure no problem."

So then he's all putting his hand on the door frame and does that classic doorway lean thing ! and says...

"So how have you been. It's been a while since I've been here."

Mind you I'm standing there in an xxl t-shirt that's five sizes too big and my sweat pants are from the PRINCE collection cuz the crotch is like totally gone.

I was a bit taken back, "uhhhhhhhm I'm good how are you.....?"

"I'm real good."

And we continue to converse for a few minutes until he realizes it's time to go and says,

"well hopefully I'll see you again real soon."

If there was funk music playing on the stereo...

porn would've happened!


Apr 7 2004 | 4:36 pm
welcome to the land of being taken for granted and shit on! ain't it grand :)


Apr 6 2004 | 6:27 pm


'Spears Tour Bus Driver In Police Chase'

New Hampshire State police said a trooper attempted to stop the bus, part of Britney Spears' Onyx Hotel tour entourage, in Northfield around 7 a.m. as it traveled south on Interstate 93. They said the bus was going 78 mph in a 65 mph zone. Spears was not on board.

Wouldn't it be funny if she was actually on the bus...all Wendy O'Williams like...from Reform School Girls. That's the hotness not even Courtney Love can deliver.


In other news, I don't think I like anyone today.


Apr 4 2004 | 5:45 pm
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2235570352&category=16122

Never has there been a more true ebay description...


Apr 1 2004 | 5:58 pm
Well it's about time...

They are finally releasing the complete first season of Wonder Woman on the big DVD. Of course the show doesn't get really fun until they updated it and brought it to the 70s...but at least we're headed in the right direction.

In even more interesting news, the Showgirls Limited DVD Box Set is also arriving this summer. Complete with glasses, playing cards, blind fold and instructional lap dance guide it should make for an interesting must have. Unfortunately I do not see commentary by either Ms Gershon (she wouldn't in a million years) or Ms Berkley (honey, you busy?) listed in the specs...but hey it looks pretty just the same.

Fuck Star Wars...this right here is the REAL DEAL!


Mar 28 2004 | 2:56 am
I hurt so much.


Mar 12 2004 | 10:10 am
Miss Cleo Knows!

Last night I had this dream that I was waiting in line to buy tickets for Madonna's upcoming tour. Waiting in line?..to buy tickets? How...Third World. But that's how I know it was a dream. Now we wait On-Line...refreshing like we have tourettes.

Naturally I was upfront and Jen was there. Well aware of the scalper situation, we bolted to one of the box office windows as soon as tickets went on-sale. We ended up with decent seats for both shows: Night One: Sixth Row-side section from the stage. I remember it well because we had to choose between section 75 and 60. 75 had the better seats. Sad part is...I think those are the right sections too. Night Two: Fourth Row Floor.

In tickets tradition, the scalper next to us scored a stack of front row seats which he then proceeded to drop at our feet (I think even Jen would agree, only we would end up having a scalper toss front row seats at our feet as if he was making an offering) Jen and I being courteous individuals, helped to gather them...in a very Jen and Ken special way. Big feet come in handy...

We ended up with front row center each night...
<3


Mar 10 2004 | 11:25 pm






Mar 8 2004 | 12:34 pm Rolfing? Like the muppets?


Why is it the most needy people in my life give back the least? I don't ask for much, if anything at all. God knows I buy everything myself so I have no use for your money...even though some of you have more money than you know what to do with. But considering my address book is a who's who of strays, you'd think there'd be a nubbin of appreciation. Bitches! Being I took your ass in when your family shit you out, the least you could do is randomly think of me while you're sitting on your ass all day doing what you do best...

nothing.

In other down-trodden news, my neck is one funky bitch. I've been in pain since Thursday. I have to make an appointment to have it ripped to shreds. I've put off this "rolfing" thing for sometime. I'm a little skeptical of what it will do...and the whole being touched by a total stranger thing...Boundary issues and all. Though I did see him in class the other day and he's a tight cute little piece!

I think I'd prefer it over seeing a Chiropractor. The whole 'snapping' it back into place doesn't make much sense to me. I didn't snap it out...why should you snap it back in? That and every motherfucker you've ever known who steps foot into a Chiropractor's office is crying they need to go back soon enough. I just want a happy ending.


WHO SAID THAT!?!


Feb 15 2004 | 3:36 am Excuses!
After a broke down evening at the Moore Theatre, we ended up back at the W down in Seattle. Honey! I couldn't tell if it was a hotel or a nightclub. Club thumping beats, half moon couches...even the dalmatian resting on some satin down pillow was a "playa" I walked into that lobby and turned myself right back around. I had to give the black whipping flags overhead, which insinuated this was indeed the W, another look. I snuck around side where the valet was located in hopes of finding some semblance of a hotel. I ended up in a flurry of men, head to toe in black with tiny white ear pieces. Why does the valet look like Puff Daddy's security team? I wandered my way up to the bar in hopes they could point me in the right direction. OH WAIT!! That's not the bar! It's the front desk!

Upstairs it gets better... The corridors are narrow and dark. The floors are striped and everything is black and white...even the artwork. Illumination only comes in one shade, blue. It's like you're trapped in a music video. At any moment Grace Jones might appear.

We dropped the keys to the wet bar. All three of us are on our hands and knees crying, "Could someone please open their door so we can see what's going on...please...something, a lighter...a little mag lite, anything!" When we finally made our way to the room it took five minutes for our eyes to adjust!

Before we knew it we were back in our Mark Romanek video moment heading down to the restaurant, which of course was now closed. But we're special, so they set up a table for us behind some screens and brought everyone their Caesar's and an organic chicken sandwhich for me.

We kibitzed, we laughed...we even discussed business. It had to be one of the better valentine's day moments I've had since the valentine's day weekend I lost my virginity...

AND THAT WASN'T ALL THAT GOOD!


Jan 29 2004 | 9:57 pm You Know I'd Take You Anywhere That You Wanna Go Right Now...


Yea so basically all I'm good for is money or services rendered.


...yea


Jan 29 2004 | 3:32 pm My Phone Should Be Ringing For One Reason & One Reason Only...
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't answer the phone. I'd probably wake up the next day to brimstone and flames. I'm starting to think I should hand out numbered wristbands so I can delegate who's world I need to save first.

I really love helping the children, but give me a break. I'm three days into my cell billing cycle and the minutes are evaporating! I've changed my ring three times today alone. Then I didn't know what the fuck that noise was so I had to change it back.

Even better, I've done special little somethings for several people who haven't a clue yet. Naturally they've been extra whiny motherfuckers...bitching about my not having the time to design X or lend them $40 for Y or my ever favorite...burn them half of my cd collection.

However, the other day my battery died in front of the post office. It was raining. I didn't have my cell or my AAA card. AND I was parked at one of those 15 minute only all day and night fuck over moment meters! I was lucky enough to find Alex who was nice enough to run out of work and jump my car. For which I was and am extremely grateful.

So maybe that's my purpose. I'm supposed to jump everyones life back on track...

A LITTLE HELP PLEASE!


Jan 24 2004 | 3:18 pm Taylor Dayne Is Trapped In My Head :(


I wake up every morning at 6am.
I work out every day...sometimes twice a day.
I have been working like a mad person.

So I ask you...where has all the sleep gone? You'd think I'd be face down in my dinner, but no. As usual, sleep is playing hide and seek. I've tried the Tylenol PM. I've tried the Melatonin. Everyone suggests I try Lavender. Lavender candles. Lavender linen spray. Lavender oil. It's almost time for my lavender enema. Shit's not working.

I spoke to my doctor and based on the fact that every single time I've ever been "put under" I've awakened, he thinks I have this insanely high tolerance to anything that would remotely put me to sleep. I was told if I take a prescribed sleeping aid and it doesn't work, I'm going to want to kill people for the next several days.

At least I wouldn't feel any different than usual.

And the people! Holy shit. HOLY SHIT! Not going to say a word. Not a single word to you annoying, whiny, drama-creating, ignorant pieces of shits that will not shut up and let me sleep!!!!

love to you all :)


Jan 20 2004 | 6:58 pm
You should really visit this thread:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/liberal/754399.html

and pay special attention to lj user: kylebee

Do I even belong on this planet?


Jan 19 2004 | 8:48 am BOOT CAMP!
Last week I didn't miss a beat. I was up every morning at 6am busting ass. I felt like an Army commercial, "We do more before 9am than most people do all week!" Then I did it all again 12 hours later.

It's not as much a 'boot camp' style program as it is kick boxing with amatuers...which is torturous enough. As if sissy fighting with fresh meat isn't the highlight of my day, there's also nutritional input.

It fascinates me that there are people who have no clue how to eat properly at all. Asking questions such as how much water to drink? If I go to Mc Donalds what are some good choices? Are you insane? People still eat at Mc Donalds? Sunday is a designated cheat day. This morning everyone came in boasting about the carton of ice cream they ate or the bag of chips they downed. Someone asked me what I had. I told them I had a mango. They stared at me as if I had just told them I was mainlining H.

Most importantly though, how is it people are able to roll out of bed...comb their hair...show up at the gym and start sweating...thinking nothing of it? You are offending my work out mother fuckers! You stink! I do not want my gym smelling like Calcutta! Spray a little something...rub on a little lotion...anything!

Before I leave the house for a workout, I give myself a little spritz. I follow with some Aveda rosemary mint moisturizer. This way, as I warm up and begin to sweat my body acts as if it is one of those aromatherapy ceramic rings which you place over a light bulb. Releasing a wonderful essence throughout the room.

That's a little workout tip for you...from me!

<3


Jan 12 2004 | 3:05 pm
So last night I wanted to go to bed early, being I had to wake up at 6am for this new boot camp-esque program in which I am participating. Every day. Six AM. But we can discuss that later.

Naturally, I got zero sleep. Instead I found myself zipping through hundreds of channels in the hopes I could find something boring enough to knock me out.

Somehow my ass ended up on Oxygen...even MORE television for women. Kiddies the Oxygen network has come a long way since 'The Women of Brewster Place' and showing 1200 Oprah re-runs every week! Some movie was on...maybe it was a show. I don't know. Some girl...a photographer, peeking through her window...sharing some voyeuristic moments...snapping pictures of some gay couple getting it on. Offering up some full nudity moments. A bare ass...a shadow of an erect penis. Men riding each other. I thought for a minute I was getting some free Showtime! Then it even gets too hot for her. She tosses her zoom lens aside and starts feeling her titties and unbuttoning her pants...rubbing herself and shit. I could not believe my fucking eyes!

Lifetime...television for OLD women...is gonna have to start showing 'The Golden SHOWER Girls' if they want to compete with this shit!


Jan 4 2004 | 10:14 pm
They are offering up some New York freezing winter moments outside! And the fact I live on the water isn't helping the shit. I hope the mailman needs me to sign for something tomorrow. I'll be letting him take out the garbage, "Please, it's on the way back to your little buggy"

Apparently, I live in a town where they don't plow. So it's like Nutbush, but Tina Turner isn't here. When I'm bored I open my office drapes and watch cars doing 360s down the wrong direction of a one-way.

Last year it never dipped below 30 so this is a new Washington moment for me. Though I'm glad I can finally wrap myself in one of my billion scarves.

I was in Costco the other day, all bundled up, and some big haired trashy girl bumped into me. Staring at me, wearing her belly shirt that she should not have been wearing and her eye liner which appeared to be applied with a paint roller, she commented on how much she liked my scarf...

which made me question it.

<3



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